Life's unforeseeable. One minute you'll see two happy children running around. Next, people you love dying. I have been handling my emotions properly ever since I came to the states. No tears were shed unnecessarily.
Earlier when my mom called to tell me my uncle passed away. I was still indifferent because it was 7 am in the morning and I literally just gone to bed 2 hours before that. Then 7 hours later. It hit me that my uncle died. The last time my aunt died, I did not take it very well because I was with her in her deathbed. I witnessed the horrifying details right until she left us. I could not sleep at night for a couple of weeks. The vivid depressing image of her trying to breathe and stay in this realm of life each time my uncle and cousin called on to her name could not be erased from my memory. So every time I tried to close my eyes, tears started spilling out. I could not help it. I felt dreadful.
Now, my uncle. A different one. He had a sad life story too. His wife died long time ago leaving him alone to fend for his kids. 5 kids. He was 85 when he passed along. He worked till his final moments. The last I saw him was just months ago before I came here. He looked extremely healthy. We were talking about me leaving to the states.
I just couldn't fathom this sadness in me any longer. I"m tired. I'm so tired of life. We strive to be the best, to make thru impossible deadlines and be the best in our classes. We succeed in life making money and not appreciating whats next to us. Then one day, it leaves us without any sign or warning. There is absolutely no way you can get it back no matter what you do. What happens next? Life goes on. Like a cycle.
What are we supposed to gain from this? And why is there not an absolute answer for all these questions? I'm not sure if its the mental distress I'm facing from so much work or the homesick-feeling I have, but I am devastated. And whats worse is that I know I have to put on a strong face and go on because no one's gonna stop to pity you. Even if there are, how are they going to help you?
So someone please tell me what to do.
Earlier when my mom called to tell me my uncle passed away. I was still indifferent because it was 7 am in the morning and I literally just gone to bed 2 hours before that. Then 7 hours later. It hit me that my uncle died. The last time my aunt died, I did not take it very well because I was with her in her deathbed. I witnessed the horrifying details right until she left us. I could not sleep at night for a couple of weeks. The vivid depressing image of her trying to breathe and stay in this realm of life each time my uncle and cousin called on to her name could not be erased from my memory. So every time I tried to close my eyes, tears started spilling out. I could not help it. I felt dreadful.
Now, my uncle. A different one. He had a sad life story too. His wife died long time ago leaving him alone to fend for his kids. 5 kids. He was 85 when he passed along. He worked till his final moments. The last I saw him was just months ago before I came here. He looked extremely healthy. We were talking about me leaving to the states.
I just couldn't fathom this sadness in me any longer. I"m tired. I'm so tired of life. We strive to be the best, to make thru impossible deadlines and be the best in our classes. We succeed in life making money and not appreciating whats next to us. Then one day, it leaves us without any sign or warning. There is absolutely no way you can get it back no matter what you do. What happens next? Life goes on. Like a cycle.
What are we supposed to gain from this? And why is there not an absolute answer for all these questions? I'm not sure if its the mental distress I'm facing from so much work or the homesick-feeling I have, but I am devastated. And whats worse is that I know I have to put on a strong face and go on because no one's gonna stop to pity you. Even if there are, how are they going to help you?
So someone please tell me what to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment